Letter to a Mad Scientist

Dear Sir:

To begin, we wish to put all illusions of secrecy to the side and say flat-out that we know what you're doing up there. Do not try to deny it - we have physical evidence on you, sir. What sort of evidence, might you ask? Well, let us simply say that it would be very incriminating indeed should the government hear of it.

This brings us to the point of concern in our address to you: our people, quite frankly, are sick and tired of this whole business of yours. Our village was once quite respectable, you know, and we would appreciate having it so again. The children can't even play outside anymore, because of the perpetually dark clouds and lightning that, we may add, has struck many of our lightning-rod-deprived homes and left many of us homeless. We understand that you have an image to maintain, but could you please keep it within the radius of your own property?

Also: if you wish to continue living in Shadowblade Castle, you need to pay rent. We are not idiots, Doctor - we know you don't own the place. We've lived here for many years, and as such happen to know that the last rightful owner died fifty years ago and left it to his cat. That story you fed us about inheriting the castle from your great-grandfather is, to put it bluntly, obvious drivel that is an insult to our intelligence. We did not mention it at first, of course, believing you to be quite wealthy and thinking that perhaps you did purchase it after all, but recent records state that you never made such a purchase. In fact, it would seem that you just walked in and claimed it.

We villagers find this flagrant exploitation of our easily impressionable minds an insult on our dignity, and demand compensation. Namely, in the form of RENT, which, we might remind you, you are two years behind.

We would also like to ask that any......activity up there be KEPT up there. We have recently had trouble with little girls being kidnapped, dogs being eaten, and rude messages painted on the trees. We will not persecute if you keep these......activities contained. This is your final warning.

Lastly, we ask that, in the rare instances that you do travel to our village, that you at least give the appearance of being a respectable human being. We know what you do in the graveyards at night, sir- we are watching you. We ask that you leave our cemetery alone - as far as we are aware, we have not granted permission for the bodies of our beloved relatives to be subject to dissection and experimentation. Should you be seen near the cemetery again, we will have a word with the Dean of Medicine at the University, who will be interested to know of your medical education and "practice", "Doctor".

We hope you will be reasonable and meet these requests - we are a respectable people, and only send this out of greatest concern for our reputation, our village, and indeed our own lives. What few there are left.

Yours Sincerely,

The Villagers