Hours passed, and as the rolling gait of the shellbacks slowly transformed into a smooth, unnoticeable rythm and the sky became dark, Gehnn leaned back against the tough wicker walls of the saddle and stared up at the sky. It was clearer and larger than she had ever seen it before. She supposed that that was because they were higher up, closer to the mountains, and closer to the sky.
Everyone else was dozing, or fully asleep. They had spent the first few hours of the journey talking, or simply sitting there staring at the scenery. They napped quite a bit, but for some reason they still felt tired at the end of the day. Gehnn wondered why that was - she had felt exhausted at the end of the day when she walked to the small town they had just left, but here she rested all day. She certainly didn't feel tired - she was too jittery from the tension earlier, and filled with too much unused energy.
Maybe some people just don't have as much energy, she mused to herself. That was irony for you - a small, skinny young girl like herself having more energy than a group of strong, experienced caravan workers.
Gehnn looked around, seeing that everyone had their eyes closed. Slowly, she reached a hand to her cloth-covered face. The cool night air would feel so nice.....and she'd been wearing this all day. It felt so hot and stuffy under the cloth, and it was dark, and everyone was asleep.......she sat up, pushed back her hood, and undid the knot at the back of her head.
The cloth loosened, and she unraveled it from her scalp, the face covering falling into her lap. Laying them carefully beside her, where she could grab them quickly if she needed them, Gehnn leaned her head back and took a deep breath of fresh, cool evening air.
Oh, that felt nice. To breathe and not feel her warm breath bounce back at her, to have finally gotten rid of that horrible itch in her scalp from the rubbing cloth, to be able to see without having to squint through the slit in her wrappings..... it was wondrous, how much better she felt.
Gehnn raised her head, glancing around at the group of sleeping workers. Everyone's eyes were closed, and they didn't stir when her movements jerked the saddle. She was safe, she guessed. They seemed to be pretty sound sleepers. Maybe that was a requirement when you were a laborer.
Exposed to the cool air, her skin tingled, and began to itch. Carefully, she scratched her face, avoiding the heavy pockmarks and still-unhealed blisters. She had a balm that she was supposed to be using, but it burned her skin worse than the blisters did. Besides, she figured that the air was enough cure for now. I probably shouldn't be scratching, she though guiltily. Heaven knew that she had enough scars as it was.....
Something winked in the corner of her vision. Gehnn's hands immediately went to her wrappings, but halted. The light was down on the ground, up by the shellback's head. Whoever was using the light wouldn't be looking this way, and they wouldn't see her if they did.
Still a bit jittery, but too curious not to try and look, Gehnn leaned a bit over the side of the saddle, peering at the light. It was a bright yellow lantern, swinging from a long staff, which was being carried by a tall figure wearing a broad-brimmed hat. Huh, she thought to herself, I didn't notice anyone else in our company. Maybe it's Tummett.....but no, the figure was too thin. Way too thin, she noted. Even under a coat, as this person was wearing, she could see that they were unusually skinny. Tummett was positively obese compared to this person.
So who were they?
She leaned against the saddle, watching. The person walked with a smooth, slow, graceful gait, one hand tucked in a pocket while the other held up the lamp. His shoes clinked when they met the ground, and she saw a winking of metal at the tips and heels. Metal-clad shoes - she wondered what the metal was for. To protect the shoe? To be especially painful when they kicked someone? Or was it just decoration? She had a hard time believing that last one - no one wore much for decoration these days. Not with metal, anyway. It was too valuable.
The stranger was keeping an unusally good pace, Gehnn thought. The shellback had slowed down over the course of the day, but it was still walking pretty fast for a human to catch up with. But this person was doing it beautifully. Gehnn felt a little envious - in all her time of traveling on foot, she couldn't hope to be this quick on her feet.
The stranger halted. The shellback continued to walk, but the stranger just stood there, lantern swaying. Slowly, he turned his head.....and looked up at the saddle, right where Gehnn was sitting.
Gehnn felt her body freeze. The stranger had a long, gaunt face, partly hidden behind heavy-duty goggles. The lenses were colored a dark red, and they stared up at her, seeing every bit and angle of her face. Gehnn was petrified, unable to move even though her body screamed at her to do it.
Eventually, right as the shellback was about to leave him behind, the man looked away, and returned to his post at the shellback's head.
Gehnn yanked herself back over the side of the saddle. With shaking fingers, she hurriedly retied the covering over her scalp and face, and jerked her hood as far as it would go over her head.
I realize, of course, that saying that metal is too valuable for decoration after having just described a character who does just that (the girl with all the piercings) is a bit inconsistent, but that's easy enough to fix.
ReplyDeleteMake the piercings out of wood or bone or something! Anyway, I shall give a thorough review when I am done with mah other homework ... I have to read The Princess and the Goblin, the Wise Woman, AND write a 7-page short story by Monday.
ReplyDeleteThis section worked much better, I think. Only a few comments of improvement have I: "she could see they were unusually skinny" — when referring to a person of uncertain gender, you need to either pick a gender or find a way around doing so, because "they" is a plural and you are talking about someone in the singular. Later on, you call the person a "he," so you could either stick with "he" throughout or find a way around specifying not involving plural nouns and verbs.
ReplyDeleteAlso on diction: the specific choice of words to create personality and character. I guess it depends on how you want the character to come across the readers. So that's your call.
It's more mysterious, and does engage while not revealing much. I like the person. I'd put more about this person she saw. I'm in my Doctor Who mode, so I have this kind of very creepy mental image. Is it something looking for her specifically?
FURTHER, on my diction comment: although it's in the third person, you are still telling it basically form her perspective, so the way you describe things ought to be the way she sees things. Your choice of words as the narrator should help us readers understand what sort of a person she is. Also, be certain you aren't a "semi-omniscient" narrator — you're actually doing well at this, but we discussed this in creative writing this week. Be certain that you don't reveal anything the character wouldn't know or see, and that you don't put a filter between the reader and the character. For example: "she felt like there was someone behind her." Big filter. Filter removed: "there was someone behind her." Much more abrupt and scary. Also: "She thought it was very strange that the person would do x thing." Rather, "it was strange indeed that the person would do x thing." Filters remove us from the character and make it harder to empathize with them, and much harder to get into the story. PERFECT example of little-to-no filter writing: The Hunger Games.
ReplyDeleteSo, I think you're actually doing well at that, but those are some things I learned this week that I want to put in my writing, so I am sharing the knowledge! Yay!
You're doing a good job at removing filters, actually — you can totally hear her thought process as you read the narrative, without it saying she was thinking it. That's good writing, I think. So keep that up, and make sure it stays like that consistently ^_^
ReplyDelete