Hey there... so I am not a poet by any stretch of the imagination. But in the course of my world-building, I wanted there to be snippets of songs and rhymes that are common to their daily vernacular, and I was trying to think of a foreboding one that gives some credibility to their being scary things that come out at night and stalk the local countryside. This is what I have so far, and I really am not sure how it turned out. Any critique would be helpful:
The moon hath long risen; thou goest anon?
Oh, go thou not out till the first ray of dawn!
The curtain of night hath been unpinned and drawn;
The things in the darkness have naught to feast on!
The shades that see many, no eyes have laid on!
So late be the hour, and where hast thou gone?
It's....well, the word that comes to mind is "Classical". You know, sort of similar to Shakespeare's style.
ReplyDeleteThat's not bad! Far from it! Just a little vague.
I suppose that's what poets go for...hm...
I wish I could be deep like Shakespeare, rather than just rhyming words, ha! Vague, yes... it is that. I was running out of ideas. I'm trying to communicate the fact that the person the poem is addressing got eaten. But there are only so many words that rhyme with "on", and I've already had to pull out some archaic ones! Maybe I should try another rhyming pattern?
ReplyDeleteIt is vague, but not bad. The only distracting things is that all the rhymes are on. It's an AAAA rhyme pattern, which is unusual! but.... not bad. It draws attention to itself. I love the poetic flow and phrasing of it, and the imagery I see in it. It has sort of a confucian feel for me... not sure why, though.
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