This is the script for the first part of the first chapter of my comic, which will be starting next week. I usually fine-tune it right before putting it into the comic (basically just tweaking the phrasing so that it's appropriate to the situation), but I could always use input. This comic is long-form, which means that it's going to be sloooow in its buildup. I've been having difficulty with trying to keep it interesting.
Well, we'll just see how much I improve over time, I guess....
NOTES: Gehnn has a severe speech imdediment as a result of her scarring. So any 'speaking' done by her would be in thought form (with a few exceptions)
Remish-plural
Rem-singular (somewhat deragotory)
Remishman-singular (proper)
(but no one uses it.)
(oh well.)
Chapter 1: The Man in the Bush
Gehnn: There's always a reason for everything, Paskkah used to say.
He was the smartest person I knew, and so I took his word for it. He always answered my questions. Not the answers everyone else always gave me, the ones that dodged around telling me what I wanted to know.
Of course, there are some questions that don't really have good answers.
And it seems the older you get, the more of them there are.
It stinks. But that's life, I guess.
And honestly.....it would be real boring any other way.
(Gehnn is standing at a food stand, leaning on her elbows. A fly comes in. She watches it.)
Gehnn: Hello, Mr. Fly.
Your eyes are looking especially shiny today.
I imagine you want a taste of the yams we've got here.
I don't blame you. You must be tired of people's garbage.
Too bad you're a fly, though. If you were a cute little dog, I might've given you something.
(Shadow approaches - fly goes away.)
Yul: Talking to bugs again?
(Gehnn sighs, straightens)
Yul: So....Min left you to man the stall, I see.
During dead time. Again.
Gehnn: (shrugs)
Yul: Where is he, anyway?
Gehnn: (points in some direction - mimes talking with hands)
*translation: he's at the Market District.
Yul: Ah. Market District, huh?
What do you wanna bet he'll come back with another load of wormy apples?
Gehnn: (waves a hand)
Yul: Always sticking up for him. Sheesh, Gehnn.
Gehnn: (shrugs again, with hands)
Yul: Whatever. He's not going to be back for a few hours, right?
Gehnn: shrug.
Yul: Stop that.
How about we head over to Moiah's stall? She's actually got some fresh rabbit in the stew today.
She said she'd give us first dibs if we snuck some of the thornapples from Min.
Gehnn: Looks disapproving.
Yul: Come on, Gehnn, he's got more than enough to sell. You told me he had to throw out half the shipment a few days ago.
So come on. Let's not waste.
Gehnn: raises eyebrow. looks from right to left and then starts packing in apples.
(Min approaches.)
Min: GEHNN!
(Gehnn hides the bag and shoves Yul under the counter)
Min: (getting closer)
Gehnn! I actually have something for you to do!
Yul: I'll bet.
(Gehnn kicks her)
Well, it seems to me that anything in long-form needs to follow a sort of episodic quality. Of course, I'm just going from my literature criticism classes (oh yes, I'll be levying that one quite a bit in future comments); I'm not intimately familiar with long-form comics. But to capture writer interest, each installment should be its own small story—with a conflict, of sorts, increase in action, climax, and resolution of sorts. These could be very light things at first, and the longer the story goes, the higher the stakes in each conflict. As it is, your writing is quite good, but it would have to be in the context of a much larger work, and the entire work would have to be available. I would suggest dedicating the lesser-action-involved panels into developing the characters through action more than dialogue—show, don’t tell. I know that probably sounds silly for a web-comic (after all, isn't it all technically showing?), but what you depict in the scene—the scene you choose to draw—will define things better than dialogue alone. As in this case, it starts out with what is admittedly a dead time, and much is spent in dialogue, with little action. To get the readers invested, I would say show us the interesting stuff. You've come up with such a rich world and culture—let us see it! Trickle it to us, of course, but give us a strong hint of what it might contain! I'm sort of quoting from David Farland. He has some great advice. I subscribe to his writing advice emails (David Farland's Daily Kick in the Pants).
ReplyDeleteAs for me, the points of interest were the stalls—what are the stalls for?
ReplyDeleteThe main drawback, I felt, was Yul's dialogue—it was realistic, convincing, and revealed stuff about his character, but honestly, Yul was upstaged by that fly. I liked the fly! Rather, I liked Ghenn's interaction with it.
By the way, were you thinking of Ghenn, Atrus' father from Riven?
Ummmm....actually would you believe me if I said that I named my character LOOOONG before I actually knew what Atrus's father's name was? I mean, I grew up with the games, yes, but I didn't actually find out the name until a couple of years ago. By that time, Gehnn had been named, with the proper spelling and everything, and I really just couldn't stand to change it. When I was thinking of her name, I wanted something simple and somewhat boyish (well, by 'normal' standards, anyway - it's a pretty common name in her culture. But I digress.) So then I came to Gehnn. And that was that.
ReplyDeleteWow. Did not need to explain, did I? Oh, well. It's a webcomic, numbered among thousands on the Internet, which people read for free. I have a feeling I'll have to repeat this explanation a few times....
And Yul is a girl, by the way. :D Just thought you should know. I'm kind of sad I didn't get to read your feedback until now - I cut out the interaction with fly almost entirely. Since Gehnn doesn't actually speak, adding thought-boxes felt too....annoying. I hate it when authors use thought boxes filled with text to provide exposition and explain every scene and thought. On the other hand....yeah, it would probably have made the scene more interesting. But I guess it's a choice between making your comic more literary or making it more....comic-y.
The stalls are all a part of the Markets, by the way. It's the district where traders trade, merchants sell, people shop, etc. etc. Gehnn works for one of the sellers. She also works at a blacksmith shop, but we get to that later. Exciting, eh? My head just might explode.
WOW that was long.
Oh, well. Out of curiosity, have you actually read my comic? I post updates on my Timeline every now and again. Actually, you know what would be great?! If I could do all the scripts and then run them by someone! Which is...what I wanted to do here, but I went ahead and changed them anyway. Hm. Ah, well. I'll try again! :D
And now I am actually done. Sorry about that. I like talking about my comic. I don't get a lot of chance, since no one I am currently living with does critiquing stuff. Especially comics. Le siiiiigh.
I would love to critique them! Le time is the only problem I have ... but that will change come this summer!
ReplyDeleteYay!
ReplyDelete